[...::Irony::...]

So he dumped her. I don’t know the gory details, but I’m guessing he did it to prove to me that his balls weren’t in her little Hot Topic messenager bag. I don’t know why he feels he needs to prove to me anything, especially since any chance of romantic reconciliation has burned itself at both ends and has long since cooled. I already know that I can never stomach giving him another chance with me, because I know that he will never change. Better to keep him far away than to trick myself into thinking it’s safe to allow him so close.

In other news, being 21 is not different from being 20. I’m still just as broke as I was prior to my birthday, and I’m constantly out of gas and gas prices are steadily rising again. I am swamped with work and the flu, and my cats have suddenly decided that I make a good pillow. I don’t write much anymore because I don’t have much drive to write these days, and I don’t have time to re-align myself on the path to making my own inspiration and happiness. I’m sure Thanksgiving wil give me the time I need.

I believe a trip to Borders is in order. Time to add some new material to my library.

 

[...::21::...]

To commemorate 21 years of awesome living, ups, downs, and all-arounds, I bought my first legal bottle of wine and finished it this evening with my dinner. It wasn’t top-shelf, but it wasn’t bad for bottom shelf either.

I also engaged in somehwat debauched activities like any twenty-something is wont to do.

It was a good birthday.

 

[...Everything but the Girl::...]

Like the deserts miss the rain.

But at least I can honestly say we are friends again.

All of us.

 

[...:Savage Garden::...]

I honestly forgot how much I loved them.

And given last night’s turn of events, their song “A Thousand Words” is so uncannily apt.

“If I could turn back time, I would. I really wish I had treated you better, Aisha. I’m so sorry all I did was waste your time and break your heart. I hope you’ll forgive me one day.”

If you could turn back time you’d do what? Not cheat on me, lie to me, treat me like shit in front of your underage secret girlfriend, insult my family and culture who took you in when no one else was looking out for your well-being? What could you possibly do, Todd Williams? Short of physical abuse, you’ve pretty much used me and abused me in all the ways you could before you finally decided that I–despite me making the biggest effort to better your life and well-being–was no longer useful.

Please tell me, if you could turn back time, what the fuck would you do? What exactly is that little rugrat you’re dating doing for your life besides wasting your money on stupid shit like sneakers and promise rings, and wasting your gas making you come to Snellville to pick her underage ass up so you can hang out at the mall like a bunch of little ass kids? The bitch can’t even buy a lighter in the store by herself.

I already deleted him out of my phone and shit, but now that I have, he keeps calling me and T-Mobile’s block is retarded since it doesn’t work.

 

[...::American Customs::...]

Promise rings. I thought they were the new-age chastity belt. When the ex explained what their actual purpose was, I laughed so hard I needed a cigarette afterward.

Promise rings are probably the most pointless jewelry pieces ever conceived. But it’s exactly that kind of juvenile shit that his new underage girlfriend likes. Needless to say, I am so glad that I didn’t take that relationship any further with him. Now I remember why I dumped in back in high school. He’s too fucking juvenile. And when I finally let him have it when he insulted me, my family, and my culture, he said he was done. I said there was nothing to be done with, I’m a grown up. You need to catch up. Holla at me in another five years.

And the day someone gives me a real engagement ring, it will not come from some whack ass Kay Jewelers at the mall. Harry Winston or Tiffany & Co, please.

Federal Law prohibits dating women beyond your maturity level.

 

[...::Passing Strange::...]

For all my fury and hurt this week, I am comfortably numb.

This doesn’t change the fact that I want him to die in a fire.

I finally understand that ages-old saying of ‘the truth shall set you free’. It may be a bloody and painful process, but in the end, you feel cleaner for it. Now that I know who you are, and what you have become, I can honestly say that I can walk away from this older and wiser for it.

 

[...::A Message of Closure::...]

Fuck it, I’ll say that bitch’s name on the internet. Maybe her insignificant ass can finally Google herself and this will come up.

You know what? You are scum. The fact that you used me as a stepping stone Sunday night so you could finally start your relationship with Mayima (Mr. IDon’tHaveTimeForAGirlfriendRightNow) is so fucking disgusting. What’s worse is you’re sitting pretty, and not giving a damn who you hurt in the process. I hope you’re ready for the karma you’ll endure in the end. I should have listened when everyone told me you were bad news and it’s my own fault for thinking you were anything more than the insensitive, inconsiderate, philandering worthless asshole you proved yourself to be.

I tried to change who I was for you, and even that didn’t work. I tried to give you space, but I didn’t realize that was your excuse to go cultivate something with someone else. I tried to be your friend, and even that failed. And yet you continued to feed me blatant lies, knowing that my implicit love for you wouldn’t let me see through the bullshit. “I came down here to see you.” No, you came down there to spend the night so you didn’t have to waste time driving to see Mayima the next day. I could see it all in your body language, the way you were leaping to your phone every time she texted you, the way you paced restlessly and left hours earlier than you said you would because she obviously triggered something I never could. All I wanted was for us to get to know one another, and I realize now that you had no intention of ever giving us another chance at all. You shut me out, and for what?

What did I ever do except try to be your fucking friend? I welcomed you into my life, my body, my HOME, and my FAMILY and you fucking spat it in my face. Was it not you who was begging on the phone just last week, in front of my family that you wanted me around more often? That you wanted us to reconnect through our music? That you loved me and that this wasn’t some ploy to lead me along? That there was still a chance for us? If you were trying to get over me, you never should have come to my house that night, but you used me. Used me mercilessly knowing that the next day, you’d cast me aside in favor of the girl who caters to everything you seem to love in a woman that I lack (i.e. lighter skin, silky hair, mixed ancestry, and a love for garbage emo music of today’s ‘rock’ genre).

And you say what I did to you was worse. I hope that in another five years, when Mayima has likely outgrown you, that you realize that in the end, all I wanted was to support you and be with you. Nothing else. But you don’t understand the responsibility of being that important to someone. Maybe Mayima will do a better job than me, since she knows you better than you ever let me try to.

You know what? You are scum. The fact that you used me as a stepping stone Sunday night so you could finally start your relationship with Mayima (Mr. IDon’tHaveTimeForAGirlfriendRightNow) is so fucking disgusting. What’s worse is you’re sitting pretty, and not giving a damn who you hurt in the process. I hope you’re ready for the karma you’ll endure in the end. I should have listened when everyone told me you were bad news and it’s my own fault for thinking you were anything more than the insensitive, inconsiderate, philandering worthless asshole you proved yourself to be.

I tried to change who I was for you, and even that didn’t work. I tried to give you space, but I didn’t realize that was your excuse to go cultivate something with someone else. I tried to be your friend, and even that failed. And yet you continued to feed me blatant lies, knowing that my implicit love for you wouldn’t let me see through the bullshit. “I came down here to see you.” No, you came down there to spend the night so you didn’t have to waste time driving to see Mayima the next day. I could see it all in your body language, the way you were leaping to your phone every time she texted you, the way you paced restlessly and left hours earlier than you said you would because she obviously triggered something I never could. All I wanted was for us to get to know one another, and I realize now that you had no intention of ever giving us another chance at all. You shut me out, and for what?

What did I ever do except try to be your fucking friend? I welcomed you into my life, my body, my HOME, and my FAMILY and you fucking spat it in my face. Was it not you who was begging on the phone just last week, in front of my family that you wanted me around more often? That you wanted us to reconnect through our music? That you loved me and that this wasn’t some ploy to lead me along? That there was still a chance for us? If you were trying to get over me, you never should have come to my house that night, but you used me. Used me mercilessly knowing that the next day, you’d cast me aside in favor of the girl who caters to everything you seem to love in a woman that I lack (i.e. lighter skin, silky hair, mixed ancestry, and a love for garbage emo music of today’s ‘rock’ genre).

And you say what I did to you was worse. I hope that in another five years, when Mayima has likely outgrown you, that you realize that in the end, all I wanted was to support you and be with you. Nothing else. But you don’t understand the responsibility of being that important to someone. Maybe Mayima will do a better job than me, since she knows you better than you ever let me try to.

 

[...::Counting Dreams::...]

I’m a quitting smoker. I picked up a lot of bad habits in high school and college, and one of them is smoking. Another one is thinking that there are exceptions to the rules of love. I like to think I’m a hopeless romantic, no matter how much my cynicism and sarcasm attempt to hide it. I’m a firm believer in men opening doors for women, pulling out seats at the table for ladies, escorting them to the door after a date, etc. I have never experienced these things fully, but I think it would be nice. In our rush to become so ardently equal, we’ve upset a more delicate balance: mankind’s ego. Women are powerful, more powerful than men, for while men like to think they run the world, it is a woman they come home to answer to. But these days, it seems the lines of communication between the sexes is dissolved, leaving only bitterness in its wake.

I don’t understand why.

Why are so many men I meet threatened by the success or power of a woman? Why are so few seeking an equal match to their intellect, skills, et al? What have women done that have made men so upset? I fear men and women will never understand one another. Our minds think too differently, but we were created to balance each other out. While some women think that being loud, snappish, and cold-eyed is a perfect weapon to demonstrate her no-nonsense attitude, I like to think my mother epitomizes feminine strength. She is not abrasive, or rude, or sarcastic. My mother possesses a quiet strength where she takes in the world with a gentle smile and when you act out, she simply…holds up the mirror that you may see what you’ve done.

I would be so lucky to have half her patience and fortitude.

I like that I can be sarcastic, but I hate that the world has jaded me on so many of my ideals, hopes, and dreams. I don’t know what I have to do to build that sort of strength, or if I am even meant for that avenue of peace and tranquility. I am too busy untangling my heartstrings half the time, because I am foolish and young and still in love with a man who has locked his heart away from me.

 

[...::Nothing Else::...]

If nothing else…it was so good I wanted to jump out of the window.

At least I know where we stand, now.

 

[...::Music To My Ears::...]

You know, things have a funny way of working themselves out when you learn to let go of the reins and let the carriage rumble along as it will. I’ve managed, despite being busy as hell since my trip back from the Caribbean, to finish all of my ‘getting back into school’ business without so much as a hitch in the saddle, and I even auditioned and got into the AUC Orchestra which makes me eligible for a little bit of scholarship money. It isn’t much, but I’m more excited that I’m able to play my cello with people who share my same passion for music again. Ironically, it was Todd who prompted me to not sell my cello and try it again, because he claims ‘he wants to play with me and spend more time with me through our shared love of music’ as oppose to the other methods we attempted. I suppose that’s his story and he’s sticking to it. And he neglected to let me know he would be the cello section leader and that I am his stand partner.

Well, got to take the good with the bad, I suppose.

In any case, I’m awaiting news from GPC, AMC, and SCAD regarding admission. Chances are, SCAD won’t say yes but they might just let me in on a fluke, I just won’t get all that scholarship money I was writing for. I honestly hope they say yes if only because it’s an art school and most of my friends are in Midtown, anyway.

Things are finally starting to mellow out, and I think I won’t take the reins for a while if things keep falling into my lap like this.